Today I just wanted to scream and yell at God. You ever have those days? Those days where you just don’t understand why His plans for your life have to be so dang hard? Well, today was one of those days. I so badly wanted to be mad at God, and maybe I even am mad at God, but as the words form in my head “Can’t you just make things even a little easy for me or give me a break?” I am instantly flooded with very recent moments of His goodness.
For example, literally days ago my head was leaking clear fluid from one of my incisions and so we rushed to the emergency room to get it checked out. That sucked, especially doing all of that at like 1:30 in the morning alone because Coivd-19 is still a thing and my husband wasn’t allowed to come inside with me.. But God is good and the surgeon who happened to do my brain surgery literally days before just so happened to be at the hospital that night and swung by to check in on me and add a couple new sutures and gave me the all clear to go back home. So just as it felt like everything was going horribly wrong, God provided. He is good. It was the exact thing that I so desperately needed in that moment, a familiar face, my kind and friendly surgeon.
Leaving China due to Coronavirus was hard, but as a result of leaving and coming to America, I ended up at a doctor’s office appointment with a doctor whom I love, seriously she is so awesome, and eventually discovered that I have/had a brain tumor. Ultimately, saving my life because I wouldn't have gone to the doctor in China for the random little symptoms I was experiencing. A bit of good, amongst the chaos. My students were being taught online for MONTHS and I was so far from them, but my teaching staff are amazing and have provided love and support above and beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. He is good despite all the frustration and annoyance. Living with my parents for about half of our first year of marriage, most likely now more than half of our first year of marriage was not at all what I had hoped or expected. But despite that change of plans, my husband now grows closer and closer in his relationship with my parents and sister. Jokes are made in casual passing, laughter fills the air, and discussions are had. Dang it… even with so much hurt and frustration, He really is still good.
Yet, despite all the good, here I sit, crying. Begging God to please, please make this easier. In my personal Bible reading time I recently read about Jesus praying in the garden as he is about to be betrayed by his own friend (ouch). As he is praying to the creator of the universe, his own father, he knows what is going to happen. He knows the hurt he will experience, the pain, the suffering. He pleads, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39 God’s will, was for things to continue as planned.
I’ve heard it so many times that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, well I don’t know about that… This is all feeling like WAY too much to handle right now. God, I’m tired. I’m tired of being so emotionally, mentally, and physically tired. I trust you, I do. I have nothing left to give. I am that poor woman at the church with her two little pennies giving you every last bit that I have. But please, please help this get easier. It’s just so hard experiencing one trial right after the next, after the next, after the next. It feels as if none of this will ever end. This will be my life now. A constant state of uncertainty, hospitals, doctors and nurses, loved ones continually praying and worrying about me, and saying goodbye to my husband at the ER doors because he isn’t allowed to come inside with me. It’s hard. I know it will get better. I know He is good. I know He loves me. I know I can and will get through this challenging time in my life. I know He is teaching me great things. I know. But tonight, it’s hard. Tonight it just feels really, really hard.
If you get the chance to listen to the song “Even If” by MercyMe, that is pretty much where I am at right now. I know God can take all of this away from me in an instant. Seriously, the number of times it says “instantly”, "immediately" or “at once” when referring to Jesus healing people in the Bible is beautiful and amazing. But the hard part is when God choses not to. That “even if”, time when you still need to trust in Him is hard. But again, I have nothing left. Here I am God, this is it, it isn’t much, so if you could just help me out a bit and give me some strength to get through this that would be greatly appreciated.
**For updates on my surgery and recovery you can follow the CaringBridge page we have created to more easily share with loved ones: www.caringbridge.org/visit/noellekane