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Life's Not Fair and Cancer Sucks

On Sunday, January 2nd, I mourned the loss of a girl I’ve never met but who’s brain cancer journey I followed closely. I read every update her family shared and cried as it became more and more clear that she wasn’t improving. On Tuesday, I rejoiced at brain scans that continue to look great. Then on Saturday I celebrated my 27th birthday. And now today, Friday, January 14th, I rejoice at the conclusion of my cancer journey. My body has responded amazingly to the chemo and every single MRI has looked phenomenal. Thank you God!!

But every night last week I cried myself to sleep. I felt guilty for waking up, for being alive.. which sounds ridiculous but that’s how I felt.

Why her? Why not me? Why did her battle end in a devastating loss and mine is ending in triumph? Why did her family have to watch her suffer while mine is celebrating alongside me?

It’s a strange thing processing and dealing with having cancer, especially knowing someone who isn’t…wasn’t doing as well as you. You feel guilty for doing well, but also ecstatic that things are going as well as they are. You feel a mix of wanting this other person to do better and almost, a little bit wishing you weren’t doing quite so well.

Tomorrow, my mom and I will sit at a funeral home for the girl we've never met and cry many tears. I guess they were right all along when they said life’s not fair. But man, cancer really sucks.

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